Dumbledore's Diary
by ookami-metsuki
Summary: Oneshot. My main belief is Dumbledore's been after Harry since the beginning. Humor.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with it. I _have _purchased the books, and that's pretty much all you'd get if you sued me. Sorry.

(A/N): One-shot, humor. My main believe is Dumbledore is out to get Harry. Well, was. Doesn't the silly bugger know the only way to get something done is to do it yourself?

Harry stepped through the blackened, smoky doorway, catching the Malfoy Heir in a full body bind before he had recovered from his shock, smiling wickedly, Harry opened his mouth to inform the bastard of his imminent demise, when something caught his eye. Curious, he reached down towards the small, leather-bound journal, taking it up and flipping it open. His eyes widened in disbelieve.

_Diary of Albus Dumbledore_

_Dear Diary, _

_My first attempt at killing Harry James Potter has failed miserably. My two most faithful followers, his parents, Lily and James, were killed by Voldemort. Really, it is most unfortunate. All my careful planning laid to waste. I cast the imperious curse on Peter Pettigrew so he would give away Lily and James' location to Voldemort, and then gave the Son of a Nundu their schedule myself! And then the bloody tart tries to kill a **baby** and it backfires on him! I always knew he was a weak little bastard… Ah, well. Sirius is taking the fall for it, so my reputation is still squeaky clean. There's always next time. _

_Dear Diary,_

_I gave that damnable brat to his muggle relations in hopes that they would beat the child into a coma. Not only did they fell to do that, but the cousin screws up too! After I'd filled his dreams with the desire to kill Harry, every bloody night for a year straight! The boy did get some pretty impressive bruises, I have to admit. _

_And then I hired Quirrell. Of course, I knew Voldemort had attached himself to the man, did the fool think I couldn't sense his aura? Not to mention the turban. And I started filtering the Philosopher's Stone crap to the children, Harry's little friends in particular, import via Hagrid a giant, three headed, vicious dog, left deadly poisons every which way, laid a Devil's Snare lying around for anyone to trample over, and the life sized Wizard's Chess! How is the boy still alive? He's eleven-fucking-years-old!_

_Dear Diary,_

_This is most infuriating. The fucking BASILISK doesn't do a damn thing. The thing is over twenty feet long, can kill a person by gaze alone, and venom that destroys the body in seconds! Not to mention, Tom Riddle literally manifests right in front of the prat, and couldn't kill him! Oh, I would have succeeded, if not for my bloody bird… stupid phoenix, has a bloody mind of its own, that one. And before that there was the flying car, Dobby, **and** the acrumentulas… I need a pint of Fire Whiskey…_

_Dear Diary, _

_Sirius Black breaks out with MY help- dropping hints, telling Fudge to take him the paper, arranging shifts so that the animagus-finding Dementors are all on one shift- just to find out the bloody bint doesn't want to kill Harry. He loves his fucking godson. He **does** want to kill my spineless back up plan! Bloody hell, Peter Pettigrew used to be USEFUL. I even spirited away Remus' Wolfsbane Potion, and even the rampaging werewolf can't kill that stupid excuse for a hero! The worst damage was done to that Weasley fool. A broken leg! Phwa. The man is loosing his touch, seriously! _

_Dear Diary, _

_I go through all the trouble of bringing back the Triwizard Tournament, and all for not. Harry Fucking Potter, the Boy-Who-Will-Not-Die, survives the most vicious Dragon money could buy, weird-ass merpeople, a bloody Spinx, man eating plants. A false Moody, even! And then the portkey takes him straight to Voldemort who fully reincarnates right in front of the boy's face, duels with him, and LOSES!_ _That's so fucking ridiculous! All he manages to do is kill off Diggory, and he could have been useful! Damn it all… How am I supposed to kill the idiot off if he bloody well won't die? _

_Dear Diary, _

_Bellatrix Lestrange. That's all I have to say. **GUEAHOWEOAHG! B**_

Harry shut the diary, deciding he'd read enough. Looking over at Malfoy, he muttered a silent _Finite, _setting the boy lightly on his feet. "I was going to kill you, but it seems I owe you a drink instead. Come on." With that, he turned and strode out the still smoldering door. He'd have to apologize about that, too. Damn.


End file.
